I will be writing a series of short blogs about how single, or single again, women over age 35 are creating satisfying lives. I define single as anyone who is not cohabiting with a romantic/sexual partner. Through research for my book, “The New Single Woman”, and personal experience, I found that we can be happy and fulfilled as single women. But we are daily bombarded with the message that the only route to adult happiness is being coupled, so this is not an easy task. Accepting our singleness is especially difficult, since it is often our family and friends who doubt our contentment and pressure us to pair up.

The Most Difficult Age to Be Single: 35 to 42
Not only are negative visions of spinsters and old maids dancing in your head, but your mother, grandmother, sister, aunt and girlfriends continually ask: “Have you met someone?” “Who are you dating?” “When will you settle down?” Or: “How can you want to buy your own house?” “Settling down will give the signal that you don’t need anyone else.” In addition to all the social pressure, this is the one life stage when single women may be lonely. Many of your friends, and those in your social network, are coupling up, and few are yet divorced. Some of your friends are also moving out of the area to take new jobs. Or you move to advance your career and find it harder to re-create the social networks you established so easily in your 20s and early 30s. (Read Lee Reilly’s “Women Living Single”)

Moreover, your biological alarm clock is ringing incessantly and you are forced to decide whether you want children or not, and under what conditions. Let me reassure you that your life will not end if you don’t partner or have children before age 45. Women over age 45 who are single by choice or circumstances can have great lives with more social support than you have now. In future blogs, I’ll give you some guidelines on how to make yourself one of these satisfied single women.

Right now, however, your task (a hard one) is to figure out what kind of life you want or with which you can be satisfied, separate from what the media and those around you assume you should want. This task necessitates that you do not put all your time and energy into the hunt for a partner.

Try to answer these questions:

1. What brings you pleasure in life now? Will coupling or remaining single alter these pleasures?

2. Do you like the domestic autonomy of living on your own, or do you prefer the day-to-day sharing of space and activities of living with others? If the latter, what are possible living situations for you outside those of living as a couple or nuclear family?

3. Have you been looking or waiting for your soul mate? If so, are you prepared to be single if you don’t find him/her? Or would you rather redefine more specific and realistic standards in order to increase your change of finding a partner? (Read Chapter 1 of “The New Single Woman”)

4. How much do you want to be a parent? What other life goals are you willing to give up or alter to have a child? If you don’t find a partner/father soon, do you have the support networks, resources, stamina and temperament to become a single parent? If not, what are other ways you can bring children and young people into your life? (Read Chapters 6 and 7 of “The New Single Woman” and Rosanna Hertz’s “Single by Chance, Mothers by Choice.”) If you are still worried about a single life in the future, stay tuned to find out why single life can be at its best in your 40s, 50s and 60s.

Come on back to read about these future topics:
Making a home. Creating a network of friends and extended family. Can I be a good single mother? What about sex? Do I have a community? If not, how do I create one? What are the similarities and differences between long-term single and stable married women?

Sociologist Kay Trimberger (www.kaytrimberger.com) is the author of "The New Single Woman." She earned her Ph.D. in sociology at the University of Chicago. Dr. Trimberger has taught at various universities around the country including Columbia University, Barnard College, Queens College, UC-Berkeley and UC-Santa Barbara. She is professor emerita of women's and gender studies at Sonoma State and visiting scholar for the study of social change at UC-Berkeley. Dr. Trimberger lives with her adopted son in Northern California. Send your questions to Kay@smartnow.com.