© Beth Witrogen

I broke up with three guys this week. Online. I know, don't ask. But it was a huge leap: I stopped caretaking their feelings, and acted on what was best for me.

Truth is, I wasn't getting much from these relationships after an initial burst of excitement. Always the rush getting to know each other, then something changes. They suddenly vanish, or remember they are married. Note to self: Ask first.

I've been doing the online dating thing for over a year, and am about to call it quits. I've been stood up, disappointed, disrespected, lied to - yet I've also met some really wonderful guys but who live in other states and countries. So although nothing has worked out in terms of finding a partner or lover, it's been worthwhile because I've learned so much about myself.

I realized this while talking to my next door neighbor while bemoaning the state of my lawn. Pete's 17-year-old daughter had a date that night to her junior prom. Cammie is gorgeous, smart, a ballet dancer and always busy with activities and friends. Her dad asked her if this date was a boyfriend, and she replied, "I don't need a boyfriend."

I should take lessons from her.

I have believed that I don't want a boyfriend or long-term relationship just yet, but my actions have screamed otherwise. Pete says that guys call, but Cammie is never available, which makes her even more attractive.

I don't want to play games - I'd like to date. OK, I'd like more, probably long-term. But what I want most now is my own life first, activities and work and friends that I can enjoy without any pressure for sex or commitment. What I want is simple: relationship for its own sake, and not to fill something I am afraid is lacking in me.

I was raised to believe there was only one form that a relationship with a guy should take: marriage. And only one kind of marriage: where both parties only need each other. Of course, with that viewpoint, any such relationship is doomed to failure.

Online dating has shown me that relationships need space and variety to flourish. There's no one single way to be a friend or a lover. I've watched my fears about losing the guy, saying the wrong thing, being alone. Now, I would rather allow people to be who they are, do what they need to do, and enjoy them as unique creatures who have value apart from my needs or beliefs.

I finally get that I don't need a guy fulfill all my needs. I don't need to be rescued. I just need to get more involved with my own life, re-created from doing the things I love most. And I'm finding that as I do more of them, I'm meeting wonderful people, getting out of the house - and offline - and living again.

Maybe I don't "need" a boyfriend either. That's the shift.

Beth Witrogen (www.witrogen.com), a double Pulitzer Prize nominated writer, was most recently recognized for her book, “Caregiving: The Spiritual Journey of Love, Loss, and Renewal,” a uniquely inspired blend of advice based on personal growth and spiritually profound wisdom. A former newspaper journalist, she has written for magazines including Good Housekeeping, Self, and Family Circle and online sites such as WebMD, Consumer Health Interactive, and ThirdAge.com. She is currently at work on a book about women's renewal and sexuality at midlife. Ms. Witrogen resides in Northern California, and pursues her other passions as a professional photographer (www.witrogenphoto.com) and rock climbing. Send your questions to beth@smartnow.com.