How do you bring up the subject of intervening for aging parents, especially if your relationship is less than ideal or if they are difficult to talk to?

1. Preplan as much as possible. Talk with your spouse and significant family members about housing, finances, and family legal documents before talking with your parent. Air your feelings and concerns in advance. Get a realistic idea about how involved (time and duration) you might need to become.

2. Pay attention to warning signs. Look for changes in your parent's patterns of eating, grooming, or socialization. Ask your parent's physicians, neighbors, relatives, friends, and associates if they have noticed any significant functional, behavioral, or cognitive changes. Make a list of these to discuss with your parent and caregiving network.

3. Educate yourself first. Learn about medical and social resources and professional services such as home care, legal and financial planning, senior centers, and housing alternatives. Be prepared to suggest to your parent a variety of options, some of which he or she may not have considered. Know the costs and how services will be paid for.

4. Have an agenda for the discussion. But don't forget to be flexible and non-threatening. Tackle one problem at a time. Be persistent but patient; the best care takes thoughtfulness and time.

5. Assign each family member a role. Involve everyone who might be part of the caregiving team. Designate one person to be the manager or primary caregiver; discuss how other family members may contribute. Give everyone a voice, especially the care receiver.

6. Get help, if necessary. If there are family tensions or your parents are resistant, consider asking or hiring a third party such as their physician or legal or financial advisor to moderate the meeting and/or manage the caregiving plan for you.

7. Suggest help with small things. If your parents are openly communicative, gently offer to help rake the lawn, grocery shop, or check on their preventive health care and current medication. For example, if your parent needs help around the house, this might be a good time for a grandson to become involved under the suggestion that this is quality time together.

8. Know where key documents are. Your parents may have already tended to legal, financial, and burial matters, but you should know where all their important papers are.

9. Find out who their professional advisers are. Ask them directly, or ask people you think might know. Sometimes parents will open up about their finances, for example, if you mention your own concerns about retirement or estate planning. Ask their input on how they handled these matters.

10. Let your parent remain in charge. Don't assume you know what your parent wants or needs. Listen. Remember that the intent here is communication, not control or manipulation. Consider the emotions and life history behind decisions or disagreements your parent is offering. Reassure your parents that you love them and only want the best.

Beth Witrogen (www.witrogen.com), a double Pulitzer Prize nominated writer, was most recently recognized for her book, “Caregiving: The Spiritual Journey of Love, Loss, and Renewal,” a uniquely inspired blend of advice based on personal growth and spiritually profound wisdom. A former newspaper journalist, she has written for magazines including Good Housekeeping, Self, and Family Circle, and web sites such as WebMD, Consumer Health Interactive, and ThirdAge.com. She is currently at work on a book about women's renewal and sexuality at midlife. Ms. Witrogen resides in Northern California, and pursues her other passion as a professional photographer (www.witrogenphoto.com) and rock climbing. Send your questions to Beth@smartnow.com.