© Beth Witrogen All Rights Reserved
One day you notice your parents suddenly seem older. They have more difficulty getting around; they aren’t as active. Maybe they shouldn’t be driving, or they aren’t eating well.
How do you know it’s time to step into your parent’s life and assume some caregiving duties? Ideally, when parents need help, they will just ask for it. But unless there is a medical crisis or clear warning signs, it’s difficult to know when to offer help, what help to offer, and how much. Unless your parents have already talked to you about their wishes in case of incapacity, how do you bring up these unpleasant subjects?
It is difficult to cope with losing an independent lifestyle, activities and abilities; there may be shame, regret and embarrassment even though aging is a normal process. Rushing in to take control can be a disaster for both you and your parent. It is important to maintain his/her independence and dignity, just as it is important to balance your own work and family life with these new demands. You will need to learn a new set of skills that include learning about community resources, handling caregiving stress, and tackling health insurance questions.
Elder care is most successful when you involve your parents in every decision possible, says Walnut Creek, Calif., geriatric care manager Linda Fodrini-Johnson of ElderCare Services.
Following are tips for deciding if it is time to take steps:
- If you are not sure whether to step in, step back and get your bearings. If you are too close to the situation, you will not make an objective assessment.
- Determine if the problematic situation is a risk to your parent’s health or safety. If the answer is yes, then step in. If the risk is moderate or nil, step back.
- If you cannot evaluate the risks yourself, hire a professional such as a care manager to assess the situation. This professional will assess medical and social needs and discuss risks.
- If you decide to step in, involve as many family members, friends and neighbors as possible in a plan of care. Talk to legal, financial and medical professionals for input in this plan.
- If your parent is closed to this discussion, try getting a third party -- clergy, physician, close friend, etc. -- to help with a specific task such as grocery shopping.
- Go through a checklist of warning signs; there may be hints you can pick up if you pay attention with the eyes of a potential caregiver rather than only as a son or daughter.
- If the problems are medical, then your course of action will be fairly clear-cut, from rehabilitation and temporary dependence to a return to full functioning. You can handle most of these situations with community resources.
- If the problems are cognitive or behavioral, you will need to determine the levels of care, from acute, chronic disability or terminal illness. Each level of care may need a different care management plan and social or medical services. You will also need to plan for changes in your parent’s -- and your own -- financial, legal and medical situations.
- Remember that parents don’t want to become burdens to their children, and may deny their problems in order to protect you.
- Remember that you may not be able to solve every problem, prevent every mistake, or come up with every perfect solution. You can only do your personal best, which is enough when your caring is from the heart.
Beth Witrogen (www.witrogen.com), a double Pulitzer Prize nominated writer, was most recently recognized for her book, “Caregiving: The Spiritual Journey of Love, Loss, and Renewal,” a uniquely inspired blend of advice based on personal growth and spiritually profound wisdom. A former newspaper journalist, she has written for magazines including Good Housekeeping, Self, and Family Circle and online sites such as WebMD, Consumer Health Interactive, and ThirdAge.com. She is currently at work on a book about women's renewal and sexuality at midlife. Ms. Witrogen resides in Northern California, and pursues her other passion as a professional photographer (www.witrogenphoto.com) and rock climbing. Send your questions to Beth@smartnow.com.
